One of my learnings from my military experience is the value of discipline… [which] means consistent processes, meetings, schedules, a disciplined way of communicating, of setting priorities within your organization, and of making decisions.
In this article I want to focus on “a disciplined way of communicating” and what that means to me. Key I believe is having the ability to give and receive feedback/ information effectively without getting upset. I am in meetings often, at times some people get upset and more often than not I believe this is because the way they see the situation and deal with feedback or questions. The best conversations are both fact-based and purpose-driven. It is possible to effectively raise and resolve difficult issues in a way that they can be heard and generate value.
My RAAF Officer training included multiple scenario based video sessions on dealing with feedback and trying push our buttons. Feedback often gets confused with criticism and therefore evokes undesirable emotions. But criticism points out faults, whereas feedback is simply the communication of accurate information about an action or an event.
Tips. I would like to share some of the tips/lessons and approaches that I have learnt on giving and receiving feedback that help ensure conversations are both fact-based and purpose-driven and help make it possible to effectively raise and resolve difficult issues in a way that generate value – Align, Act, Adjust:
- Current State/Situation. Remember that feedback is not an assessment of your whole life; it is only an observation of your current state of being and/or performing.
- Perspective. Start thinking of feedback as of someone’s different perspective of the situation that gives us an opportunity to form a new point of view. Our view of ourselves is substantially different from how we are perceived by others. Quite often we are not able to see ourselves the way others do, mostly because we are not self-aware enough. Even if we are self-aware, we can struggle to see a situation objectively.
- Learning opportunity. Seek feedback yourself to avoid being “ambushed” by it. We all need feedback from others to keep evolving and improving, yet we tend to trade learning opportunities for the instant gratification positive feedback can offer. But this is not where growth happens.
- Growth Mindset. Shift your perception of what feedback means to you by adopting a growth mindset. Use feedback as a chance to improve and to excel. Process feedback in a way that will serve your growth. Polite and censored comments will only keep you sheltered from opportunities to evolve.
- Be curious. Interpret the information you receive. Feedback is never objective, so don’t take it personally. Be curious and ask yourself powerful questions like “How much context does this person have?” or “How can this feedback help me to understand my strengths and shortcomings?”
- Accelerate any collaborative achievement. Focus on feedback that enables you to move forward. Weed out comments that keep you stuck in the past.
So how – what are some approaches/ suggestions to align
My number 1 strategy/ tip is the use of questions. I like to use questions to try to remove emotions and get to the facts and encourage shared understanding.
Here are toolbox of example question that I often come back to when I really wish seek to better understand and improve alignment to get to the facts and way forward. The aim is to slow down and get both sides to listen and consider the situation/ each others viewpoints.
Hopefully some of these questions that may help you to align with others to improve your communications:
- Ask for criticism of the draft rather than for people’s preferred solutions:. “What is currently wrong with this draft?
- Dig under the parties’ positions; don’t argue with them. “Tell me more about why you think we should do X.”
- Learn about priorities. “Among these concerns, which is the most pressing?”
- Ascertain why parties think their concerns are legitimate: “Why would changing this part of the draft make it more fair?”
- Constantly demonstrate that you have heard what parties are saying. “It sounds like X is very important in light of . .. .”
- If parties are having a hard time articulating their interests, share some hypotheses. “How important is X to you? What about Y?”
- Be direct. Avoid masking advocacy as inquiry (e.g., “Don’t you agree that we should do X, given Y and Z? ”).
- Sharing your own chain of reasoning from data to conclusions (rather than sharing mostly conclusions);
- Asking others what seems to be missing in your story, where they see things differently, and why;
- Asking others to explain why they see the situation as they do, so that you understand their chain of reasoning;
- Asking how they think about the situation if something in their story does not make sense to you or seems to be missing (rather than telling them that they have overlooked it);
- Jointly constructing a test of your assumptions if you identify differing root assumptions; and
- Looking for solutions that take both views into account if you discover views that are different, but not necessarily inconsistent.
- Specify the facts, figures, actions, conversations, etc. that you are relying upon to reach your conclusions.
- Invite the other party to ask questions about the data you have shared.
- Ask the other party to specify the facts, figures, actions, conversations, etc. that they are relying upon to reach their conclusions.
- Ask questions about the data they have shared.
- Ask questions about their interpretations.
- Share the meanings you draw from your data (and theirs, if it is relevant), and why.
- Invite the other party to ask questions about your interpretations.
- Ask the other party to share the meanings they draw from their data (and from yours, if it is relevant), and why.
- Share your conclusions, describing how you get from your interpretations to your conclusions.
- Encourage the other party to ask questions about your conclusions, or the process that led you to those conclusions.
- Ask the other party what their conclusions are, and how they get from their interpretation to their conclusions.
- Ask questions about the conclusions, or the process they took to get there.
Here are some examples applying the questions
- “I’m worried that we do not understand each other well and that we all are talking without listening to each other. Do others share that worry?”
- “I just couldn’t figure out why you have been saying, “no,” so I tried to think a bit about the choice you’re facing, and it struck me that it might look something like what I’ve drafted out on this paper. What have I missed?”
- “I appreciate that you sat down and thought about how I might see this situation. Looking at what you’ve written, you’re right about Project Delta, and Gamma, and about demoralizing people. I am actually not too worried about Bob and Sally, since they know they need to move on in the company. And you know, you forgot about ___.”
- “I thought this focus group would be a good way to get some different perspectives on e-business challenges and opportunities . . . .”
- Can I get some advice from you on how to make this new marketing campaign congruent with the business strategy?”
- “I thought this meeting would be a good way to explore some different perspectives on this new initiative….”
- “Since I know you’re doing some related work, I’d like to hear your thoughts and get some advice about this new initiative I’m putting together.”
- “Absolutely. I’m glad you came to me. You need to make sure that you do X and Y. You absolutely can’t do Z because it would conflict with our strategy.”
This is a long article, but if you would to explore further I suggest reading the book: The Communication Catalyst by Mickey Connolly, Richard Rianoshek. You’ll in my photo my version has been used plenty!
Shared here on LinkedIn:
I am grateful for that I got to attend a workshop directly with Mickey back in April 2013 and moreover to have access to my father in law, Barry Freeman, who ran Communication Catalyst Executive workshops all over the world for for several years. So if improving communication is important to you, suggest you check out the book and consider whether any of my example questions will help you.
The Communication Catalyst by Mickey Connolly, Richard Rianoshek https://www.conversant.com/resources/books/